I have a confession. I’m a life-long Presbyterian who went to Catholic school (that’s not the confession but probably enough to make one crazy right there.) I am currently an elder in my church which would make my grandparents bust with pride. My grandfather was a stalwart Presbyterian church elder and my grandmother was the quintessential church lady and official silver communion plate polisher. Not a meal was taken in their house without grace spoken before it. Sandwich over the sink? Say grace.
So here it is: I don’t know how to pray. My grandfather and father were the official family grace sayers and used a standard prayer. Check. In school we had the rote memorization of the rosary prayers. Done. None of those prayers felt like a personal conversation with God though. Don’t get me wrong, I have spoken to God quite a bit in the last five years but I’m not sure begging counts as prayer. My prayers sound a lot like wishes to my ears: that my husband would live, that my father would live and before that that my grandfather would live at least long enough to meet the great-grandchild I carried. He did not.
My timing is off. The futility of when I pray has led me not to do it so much. It seems I’m always asking for the thing I so desperately desire after the conclusion has already been reached. “Please let this test be clean,” I pleaded. Too late, the cancer was growing. The test was just there to show the foregone conclusion. This was the case with my father. I didn’t learn enough. It was again the case with my husband.
My pastor offered a prayer method to my Sunday school class one morning. It involved counting off the fingers of your hand as you pray for different groups. They teach this to children yet I cannot remember it. Your little finger is for people who are sick, I think…or maybe the poor? Your thumb, the one that points back at you, is the one you touch when you pray for yourself…I’m pretty sure. I have no idea what comes in between.
The father of a dear friend admitted that he did not know how to pray for my husband so he simply said his name to the Lord trusting that his intentions were know. That felt right to me. Yes, that was prayer I decided.
But…still…shouldn’t I be getting better at this? I’ve learned so much from my experiences of grief and loss. I am truly made new in so many ways and though I was not speaking to God for a while I am again. There is a peace in my heart that though the challenges of my life and those I love may be supremely difficult at the time, we will come through whether I ask or not. God has no ill intent.
Another challenge rises and confronted with the desire to say a few words to God about this new need I come up hard against the thought in my mind that, still, I don’t know how to pray “the right way.” Cancer is at work again. A friend has been facing it head on and on the night before her surgery, my timing imperfect once again, I struggled to say…well, anything.
Before my husband’s surgery my friend, Laurie, called. “I’m good at hospitals,” she said. She wanted to come wait with me. When I do thank God in prayer it is often for the people in my life. Laurie is one of those for whom I have thanked God. Through all of my grief – anticipatory, tentatively reassured and, sixteen months later, profound – she was there. She was standing on the other side of the hospital bed to witness my husband’s last breath. How many friends are capable of that?
On the eve of her own surgery I struggled to pray once more. I was undone by the grief and overwhelmed by the task. I could ask that the cancer not be extensive but I realize that it is what it already is. I could ask that God guide the surgeons and nurses. That thought did give me some measure of comfort. Oddly, no matter how I prayed it felt selfish. Even when I wanted to scream, “How could you let this happen?!” I felt that had more to do with me than it should. I’m tired of losing people I love.
So I released it to God this time, “I don’t know how to pray for this.” I surrendered and let it go.
It turns out that was a prayer. And soon came an answer.
Author, Anne Lamott, was speaking at a church that is steps from my front door. Book geek that I am, I had the event on my calendar for a month but had not bothered to learn what she was going to talk about. Her new book called Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers was just what I needed. Seriously.
Help – without really knowing it, this is the prayer that I said. “Help me know how to help.” “Help me say the right words that will make it alright.” “Fix this, please!” The surrender is what was missing while I wrestled with prayer. Even though I have gotten better, I’m not so good at the “thy will be done” part.
“We don’t have to figure out how this all works—“ Figure it out” is not a good slogan. It’s enough to know it does.” ~ Anne Lamott; Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers
Thanks – According to Lamott, thanks is an expression of gratitude for blessings from the seemingly insignificant to the miraculous. OK, I’m starting to feel better about this prayer thing even if I’m not a card-carrying grace sayer.
Wow – I have been fortunate to say this prayer often. Wandering – this is how I glimpse kairos time (the appointed time of God.) It almost always involves traveling to some exotic location and marveling at the wonders of the earth. Death Valley, Newfoundland, Glacier National Park – these are the places I have reverently experienced “wow.”
This time, however, I experienced the wow right here at home when I read:
“I hold this family in Your light. I pray for them to get their miracle, and to have stamina, for them to be okay today, for their love and amazing senses of humor to help them come through, although if You have a minute, I’d like to know: What on earth could You be thinking?” (Lamott, Anne (2012-11-13). Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers (p. 22). Riverhead Hardcover. Kindle Edition.)
Amen.
Do you pray? Does it come easy for you or do you struggle with it? For what, today, are you saying help, thanks or wow?
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Yes, I do pray. I pray when I receive requests, and I pray before sleep each night. There are so many hurting and suffering, how can I not lift them before the Throne? God has given me a burden for the sick, particularly those with cancer, especially women. In a life where I cannot do much, this I can do, gratefully. I found your blog post thru one for whom I pray daily.
Thank you for your comment…and your prayers.
You already know that I pray, but I didn’t know how, until I witnessed Reynolds praying in Sunday School and said, “I can do that”. Now, I pray a lot. A “formal” prayer at bedtime, but many times throughout the day to get me through. I’m learning from an elderly woman at Trinity to stop and pray when someone asks for a prayer. I’m doing that and it makes me feel that I am part of the solutions of the world and less helpless/hopeless. You know that I have held you and Ken and the kids in prayer for years, now I get to pray for your journey with Chuck and Laurie. It is a blessing to be able to pray for others. Love to you.
I witnessed the same but I didn’t have the same confidence you did that I could do such a great job. Awkward as I am (have been?), I am please to be one of your prayer warriors and am reassured knowing you do the same for me and those I love. Love back at ya!
One time, during youth ministry, we talked about prayer. One idea was to picture Jesus in your room. Was He sitting on the chair? at the end of the bed? right next you? Wherever is fine. Then, just talk to him, like he was sitting right there. Share all your thoughts – your thank yous, your wows, your needs, your fears. You can say it out loud or in your head. But try picturing Him in your room – like friend. But He is so much better than a friend, because you can tell him anything. I don’t do this every time I pray, but it is a very interesting way to pray.
I am trying to make a habit of starting my day in prayer. This is a hard habit to form. Mornings are so busy and I can easily forget. But I find that when I do start my day in prayer, I have a much more peaceful day.
One more thought. I also consider yelling at God a prayer. There have been times in my life when I was really mad at God and did not understand why certain things were happening. I yelled, I told Him I was mad at Him, I told Him that I didn’t undestand and that I didn’t like it. Looking back, I realize that communication with God (in any form) is better than nothing. I know He listed to me. I know He forgave me for yelling at Him. I know He healed my heart.
No matter how you do it, just talk to God. Talk to Him as much as you can.
I agree, Reynolds. My God is big enough to handle my anger.
You are my prayer idol, Reynolds. That is in part because it does sound like a conversation rather than a formal communiqué. You have a gift. Much love to you.
Lovely perspective Tamara! You/your life/your words are an inspiration.
I’m not good at prayer. Never have been. Even when waiting for news about my own pathology test regarding the big C in my early 30s. Even when my sis was gravely ill a year and 1/2 ago. Even when my mom (4-years ago) and dad died (10 years ago).
Meditation? Daily? Find solace in it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Then begin by generating a wish to use the meditation to benefit both myself and others. End with gratitude for all that is and all that will be.
Here’s to whatever works for you and everyone else to provide comfort, solace and joy in this trying yet whacky and wonderful world in which we live.
Thanks Julie! I like the idea of looking at prayer as a meditation. With clients, I use the loving kindness meditation and others so I can easily see prayer coming from a root of the stillness we find in meditation.
Thank you, Tamara. You brought me to tears (which isn’t easy to do!) Your authentic, honest expression is powerful and inspiring on many levels. Like you, I have struggled with prayer and continue to struggle. The goofy part is I’m so concerned with ‘doing it right’ — in front of God, who is the One who fully accepts, understands and unconditionally loves me! I love the work you are doing. Thank you for your positive contributions toward healing and transforming this world!
I’m right there with you on “doing it right.” I am reminding myself that this too is a practice not a perfect. Thanks, Susan!
Do you think God is waiting around for us to learn how to say the perfect prayer. He is the friend we turn to in our grief, the one we thank probably more often than we realize even for little things and oh yes there is the WOW when you hold your baby, kiss your husband, see the wonders of the earth and the universe. I WOW when I see my girl working through her life struggles and helping others at the same time. Invite God in for a cup of chai tea and simply talk to him as you would a very benevolent friend that never judges you and has the power to help you in ways you can’t imagine.